And now for a round up of the court news........

A Wellington Boot retailer in Shercock, Co Cavan, who was recently found with 800,000 pairs of Northern Irish wellies, was fined by Judge JJ Galapagos at a special sitting of Shercock District Court and warned that “If he goes near another pair of Northern Welles again he is liable to go to prison”. PJ 'The Welly' Mcnulty, 140, Broadway, Shercock, pleaded guilty to holding the 800,000 pairs of Wellies on which proper excise duty had not been paid. The court heard the Mr Mcnulty had smuggled the wellies over the border by wearing them on his feet. It then took him 9 weeks to take the wellies off using butter obtained from a local dairy. He told the court that his feet were still 'shockin sore' and that his bunions were still giving him 'terrible gip' ever since the event. In defence, the Rt Hon Samual Colostomy Q.C., claimed that Mr Mcnulty was going to use the wellies for his own personal use as he was an awful man for getting through weliies 'at a terrible rate'. 

The case however went against Mr Mcnulty when the prosecution team discovered photographic evidence of the size of Mr Mcnulty's feet. 

Tax returns

John James Balooney, Hollywood, Co Rosscommon, was fined 4000 rupees failing to file tax returns on time in a nice lever arch folder..

Suspended sentence

A Kinnigad man and his pet monkey were given a suspended sentence for public order offences at Kinnegad district court. Ju Ju 'Big Sack' McPartland, Donkey Lane, Kinnegad, was charged with engaging in threatening and abusive behaviour with his sidekick monkey Charley, both of whom were found guilty of being intoxicated in a public place, on December 25, 2008. 

The case had previously been adjourned after Charley the Monkey ran away with the Judge's wig. Charley was sentenced to death following this incident and Ju Ju was let go after his defence council proved that he had been forced to drink a magic potion by Charley that made him go mental.

News in Brief

Mary Harney Sees the Funny Side When

Asked About State of the Health Service

Limerick Youths "Gone To The Dogs"
Says Local Councillor

Billy Joel to End World Tour At O'Connor Park Tullamore

















Keith Duffy Denies Return to Coronation Street

Airforce One lands at Moneygall Aerodrome

De Midlander has recently learned that the first person to meet and greet the new President of the United States of America as he flew into Monegall Aerodrome last Thursday evening was none other than former World of Sport presenter Mr Dickie Davies . Dickie, now the pest control officer at the Moneygall aerodrome, was said to be in shock as Airforce One touched down at 6.02 pm, just after the Angelus, with Mr Obama on board. Dickie said he quickly arranged his eyebrow hair, put on his favorite Big Daddy Tee shirt, and headed out onto the tarmac to meet Mr Obama as he climbed out from Airforce One. 

Dickie said that although the engines were hot, he still managed to climb up onto the left wing of the plane only to be shot at by one of the secret service agents on board. Dickie dodged the bulllets by quickly doing a tumble roll manoeuvre that he learned from Giant Haystacks many moons ago as the presenter of ITV Saturday afternoon wrestling. He then managed to jump from the wing just in time to present Mr Obama with a nice glass of Whiskey in a Waterford Crystal jug. Mr Obama was so impressed with Dickie's reception that he promised to buy the full series of ITV Wrestling on DVD and VHS. 

Meanwhile down in Moneygall town the news of Mr Obama's landing was spreading like wildfire. The locals were amazed that Mr Obama had decided to come to town so soon after being sworn in but were glad that Dickie was the making him feel at home.  A local bus owner was quick to react by cutting the top of his bus off and heading out to the aerodrome. He picked up Obama "ala entourage" and brought them all on a tour of Moneygall in his open top bus. The entire gang, including Dickie, then hit all the main pubs in Moneygall before going for a load of burgers and chips. After that they hung about the streets of Moneygall until the birds started chirping and then hopped back onto Airforce One and away off home to the White House. 'Sure twas the best of crack' laughed Mr Obama as he described his trip to Ireland before he signed the cheque for 100 trillion dollars to save all the banks in the world. Dickie told to De Midlander that it was the best day in his life and that Mr Obama was 'great crack altogether' and a 'mad whore for the drink'.  

Castro moves to Ireland to work for De Midlander

Fidel Castro has decided to move to Ireland to work as a full time reporter for De Midlander. As you can see from this picture, Castro is a big fan of De Midlander. Even during his recent 'illness', Castro always had a copy of De Midlander by his bed. Fed up with running his communist state, Castro decided to cut his stick and move Ireland. He said he was 'never much of a commie anyway' and now buys all his clobber from Champion Sports. He did mention to De Midlander that if he meets the Celtic Tiger in Ireland he will shoot it.

Castro landed his official state boat in Ballybunion last week and immediatly rang De Midlander for an interview.

Here we have a picture of Castro during the interview being asked if he reads the Irish Farmer's Journal or even the Offaly Independent:


























Castro has even decided to bring his wife to Ireland who has already managed to find a job with RTE's Prayer Before Bedtime:

Election Update: Masked Man Goes For Election in Laois-Offaly

A dynamic new contender has entered the election race in Brian Cowen's constituency of Laois-Offaly with promises of free turf for hens and bringing the Metro to the Blue Ball. John-Joe Paddy-Mary Mongan, also known locally as "The Big Briquette from Ballycumber", has arisen from the political wasteland of West Offaly with a manifesto for social reform based on "thinnin' turnips and lampin' rats".

"I am the future of politics in this Country and if I get elected I promise I will give every house in Offaly a free box of macaroon bars and twenty Carrolls. I'll outlaw milk and invite Albania to annex Westmeath. God I hate those eejits." With only weeks to go until the general election it is expected that the race in Laois-Offaly will go to the ropes. Our money is on Mongan though.

MAJOR EMPLOYMENT BOOST FOR TULLAMORE

Yes folks, its official, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration (known in the midlands as NASA) has decided to move it's headquarters to Tullamore, Co Offaly. Following a lengthy Congressional Hearing last week and subsequent meetings with the Tullamore Urban District Council, it was decided by NASA directors to move operations from Washington to Tullamore. The exact reason for this move is unclear, however it is suspected to be connected to the fact that Tullamore is now known as the 'Space Food' capital of the world. NASA told De Midlander that is has recently transformed it's organisational structure, streamlining the agency and putting it in a better position to implement the Vision for Space Exploration and that the folks in Tullamore are an essential part of this transformation. Mission Support Offices will be built in Tullamore town centre beside the Post Office. In response to this, Tullamore Urban District Council told De Midlander that they would be giving each astronaut a bottle of Tullamore Dew before every flight 'to settle their nerves'. They also said that now Tullamore is a midland gateway it is the ideal location for other national space agency headquarters. They also believe that the new Tullamore By Pass will be ideal for bringing the Space Shuttle up and down from Roscrea, the site of the new NASA launch pad.

However, the Tullamore Urban District Council informed NASA late last night that they cannot bring the space shuttle through the town in August this year because of the Fleadh Cheoil na hEireann. The Department of Finance have told De Midlander that their decentralisation efforts may be badly affected by the loss of their brightest staff to NASA. To counteract this they have built ther own space shuttle to show staff that they are just as good an employer as NASA:

Staff at De Midlander would just like to thank NASA and the people of Tullamore by saying 'Come on the boys from NASA and up the Kings county.'

Legendary Rocker Joins Monaghan Country & Western Band

Some positive news now for our favourite Monaghan sons, and in a surprise move that has sent shock waves through the worlds of music, ploughing and Japanese Noh theatre, it was announced yesterday that guitarist with the Rolling Stones, Ronnie Wood, has sensationally quit the band during the middle of their record breaking world tour and has joined Big Tom & the Mainliners, who recently reformed and released their first album for 26 years - “What I Wouldn’t do for a Skullfull of Maggots”.

Mainliners front man, Big Tom, told De Midlander last night, that he was “delighted” and said that Ronnie’s inclusion would allow the band to progress further beyond their country roots towards a branch of proto-dance industrial noise bluegrass, as was evident on several songs from their last album including “Women Shouldn’t Wear Socks” and “Skittery Knickers and a Mouldy Dockleaf.”

Following a short tour of Monaghan and Cavan in April, the band are due to embark on an extensive world tour which will include the Pacific Rim, the Sahel, and North and South Poles before they return to headline the Castleblaney Badger Throwing Festival in March 2010.