Wednesday, March 28, 2007
MAJOR EMPLOYMENT BOOST FOR TULLAMORE
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Legendary Rocker Joins Monaghan Country & Western Band
Mainliners front man, Big Tom, told De Midlander last night, that he was “delighted” and said that Ronnie’s inclusion would allow the band to progress further beyond their country roots towards a branch of proto-dance industrial noise bluegrass, as was evident on several songs from their last album including “Women Shouldn’t Wear Socks” and “Skittery Knickers and a Mouldy Dockleaf.”
Following a short tour of Monaghan and Cavan in April, the band are due to embark on an extensive world tour which will include the Pacific Rim, the Sahel, and North and South Poles before they return to headline the Castleblaney Badger Throwing Festival in March 2010.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Ballyjamesduff dreams of winning 2007 Sumo Ballet Championship
We're off to Ballyjamesduff now for news of two local men who's dream of performing in the World 2007 Sumo Ballet Championships has finally come true. John James 'The Tutu' McReilly and his friend PJ 'Tippy Toes' McDungarees won the All Ireland Sumo Ballet finals in Thurles at the weekend. The two men, known locally as the 'Torvill and Dean of Ballyjamesduff' have been given two weeks off from their job as artificial inseminationers. They will be heading to Tokyo by ass and cart with tutu and pumps in hand next Thursday. Balyyjamesduff urban district council will be organising a farwell party for the lads out the back of JJ McT's piggery on the Cavan road. Ballyjamesduff town Sheriff told De Midlander last night that he thought the two lads were the best sumo ballet dancers Ballyjamesduff had ever known but that they were not fat enough to compete on an international level. Local man Franko Orangehat (pictured below) has donated some of his armpit hair to remind the lads of home during their momenteous ass and cart journey to Tokyo.
De Midlander promises to keep you abreast of results from next weeks World Sumo Ballet Championships! Come on the boys from the Duff!
Hopes Diminish for Country & Western Band Trapped Inside Watermill
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Pygmey Tribe Discoverd living in Clones
Two Pygmey brothers were recently discovered living in a hedge outside the town of Clones. They were discovered last Tuesday morning by local anthropologist Coimheen McQuigley who described the two brothers as 'lovely wee chaps'. They had been spotted on previous occasions by a local turnip farmer who's eyesight is so bad that he thought they were 'them auld Jahova Witnesses after his turnips'. Coimheen McQuigley then contacted the local branch of National Geographic in Clones who were straight out to the brothers' hedge 'for te get a snap of the wee lads livin in the hedge out the road'. The two brothers are now staying in the Mrs McQuigleysmigly's bed and breakfast until Clones urban district council find them more suitable accommodation. A spokesman for the council told De Midlander that 'them wee lads is goin to find it fierce hard to blend in among the locals who have never seen the like of a pair a wee lads wearin a dress with a turnip comin out from their nether regions'.
Monday, March 5, 2007
A Fine Bone China shop in Granard has decided to hire Cows due a shortage or 'suit'ably qualified China sales representatives. The Cows will travel around Longford and surrounding coutries selling Fine Bone China to Tourists. The shop owner, Mr Bo Vine, told De Midlander that he felt the cows would increase China sales by at least 400% in the next 8 weeks.
People from Cavan can now 'Live the American Dream' as plans for the first Skyscraper in the county got the go ahead from Cavan Town Council last night. The Skyscraper will be built next to the Mart and will command stunning views of the Kenny Pottle and 'out as far as Shercock'. Local town councilor, John James Seamus Brady Reilly said outside the courthouse last night that the Skyscraper was going to be 'only qhuge' and was going to 'cost a bomb to build'. Local estate agent, Seamus John James PJ Brady told press that the apartments would be selling at 6 million euros a square foot and that he thought this kind of structure would blend in very well with the surrounding houses.