And now for a round up of the court news........

A Wellington Boot retailer in Shercock, Co Cavan, who was recently found with 800,000 pairs of Northern Irish wellies, was fined by Judge JJ Galapagos at a special sitting of Shercock District Court and warned that “If he goes near another pair of Northern Welles again he is liable to go to prison”. PJ 'The Welly' Mcnulty, 140, Broadway, Shercock, pleaded guilty to holding the 800,000 pairs of Wellies on which proper excise duty had not been paid. The court heard the Mr Mcnulty had smuggled the wellies over the border by wearing them on his feet. It then took him 9 weeks to take the wellies off using butter obtained from a local dairy. He told the court that his feet were still 'shockin sore' and that his bunions were still giving him 'terrible gip' ever since the event. In defence, the Rt Hon Samual Colostomy Q.C., claimed that Mr Mcnulty was going to use the wellies for his own personal use as he was an awful man for getting through weliies 'at a terrible rate'. 

The case however went against Mr Mcnulty when the prosecution team discovered photographic evidence of the size of Mr Mcnulty's feet. 

Tax returns

John James Balooney, Hollywood, Co Rosscommon, was fined 4000 rupees failing to file tax returns on time in a nice lever arch folder..

Suspended sentence

A Kinnigad man and his pet monkey were given a suspended sentence for public order offences at Kinnegad district court. Ju Ju 'Big Sack' McPartland, Donkey Lane, Kinnegad, was charged with engaging in threatening and abusive behaviour with his sidekick monkey Charley, both of whom were found guilty of being intoxicated in a public place, on December 25, 2008. 

The case had previously been adjourned after Charley the Monkey ran away with the Judge's wig. Charley was sentenced to death following this incident and Ju Ju was let go after his defence council proved that he had been forced to drink a magic potion by Charley that made him go mental.

News in Brief

Mary Harney Sees the Funny Side When

Asked About State of the Health Service

Limerick Youths "Gone To The Dogs"
Says Local Councillor

Billy Joel to End World Tour At O'Connor Park Tullamore

















Keith Duffy Denies Return to Coronation Street

Airforce One lands at Moneygall Aerodrome

De Midlander has recently learned that the first person to meet and greet the new President of the United States of America as he flew into Monegall Aerodrome last Thursday evening was none other than former World of Sport presenter Mr Dickie Davies . Dickie, now the pest control officer at the Moneygall aerodrome, was said to be in shock as Airforce One touched down at 6.02 pm, just after the Angelus, with Mr Obama on board. Dickie said he quickly arranged his eyebrow hair, put on his favorite Big Daddy Tee shirt, and headed out onto the tarmac to meet Mr Obama as he climbed out from Airforce One. 

Dickie said that although the engines were hot, he still managed to climb up onto the left wing of the plane only to be shot at by one of the secret service agents on board. Dickie dodged the bulllets by quickly doing a tumble roll manoeuvre that he learned from Giant Haystacks many moons ago as the presenter of ITV Saturday afternoon wrestling. He then managed to jump from the wing just in time to present Mr Obama with a nice glass of Whiskey in a Waterford Crystal jug. Mr Obama was so impressed with Dickie's reception that he promised to buy the full series of ITV Wrestling on DVD and VHS. 

Meanwhile down in Moneygall town the news of Mr Obama's landing was spreading like wildfire. The locals were amazed that Mr Obama had decided to come to town so soon after being sworn in but were glad that Dickie was the making him feel at home.  A local bus owner was quick to react by cutting the top of his bus off and heading out to the aerodrome. He picked up Obama "ala entourage" and brought them all on a tour of Moneygall in his open top bus. The entire gang, including Dickie, then hit all the main pubs in Moneygall before going for a load of burgers and chips. After that they hung about the streets of Moneygall until the birds started chirping and then hopped back onto Airforce One and away off home to the White House. 'Sure twas the best of crack' laughed Mr Obama as he described his trip to Ireland before he signed the cheque for 100 trillion dollars to save all the banks in the world. Dickie told to De Midlander that it was the best day in his life and that Mr Obama was 'great crack altogether' and a 'mad whore for the drink'.