Castro moves to Ireland to work for De Midlander

Fidel Castro has decided to move to Ireland to work as a full time reporter for De Midlander. As you can see from this picture, Castro is a big fan of De Midlander. Even during his recent 'illness', Castro always had a copy of De Midlander by his bed. Fed up with running his communist state, Castro decided to cut his stick and move Ireland. He said he was 'never much of a commie anyway' and now buys all his clobber from Champion Sports. He did mention to De Midlander that if he meets the Celtic Tiger in Ireland he will shoot it.

Castro landed his official state boat in Ballybunion last week and immediatly rang De Midlander for an interview.

Here we have a picture of Castro during the interview being asked if he reads the Irish Farmer's Journal or even the Offaly Independent:


























Castro has even decided to bring his wife to Ireland who has already managed to find a job with RTE's Prayer Before Bedtime:

Election Update: Masked Man Goes For Election in Laois-Offaly

A dynamic new contender has entered the election race in Brian Cowen's constituency of Laois-Offaly with promises of free turf for hens and bringing the Metro to the Blue Ball. John-Joe Paddy-Mary Mongan, also known locally as "The Big Briquette from Ballycumber", has arisen from the political wasteland of West Offaly with a manifesto for social reform based on "thinnin' turnips and lampin' rats".

"I am the future of politics in this Country and if I get elected I promise I will give every house in Offaly a free box of macaroon bars and twenty Carrolls. I'll outlaw milk and invite Albania to annex Westmeath. God I hate those eejits." With only weeks to go until the general election it is expected that the race in Laois-Offaly will go to the ropes. Our money is on Mongan though.

MAJOR EMPLOYMENT BOOST FOR TULLAMORE

Yes folks, its official, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration (known in the midlands as NASA) has decided to move it's headquarters to Tullamore, Co Offaly. Following a lengthy Congressional Hearing last week and subsequent meetings with the Tullamore Urban District Council, it was decided by NASA directors to move operations from Washington to Tullamore. The exact reason for this move is unclear, however it is suspected to be connected to the fact that Tullamore is now known as the 'Space Food' capital of the world. NASA told De Midlander that is has recently transformed it's organisational structure, streamlining the agency and putting it in a better position to implement the Vision for Space Exploration and that the folks in Tullamore are an essential part of this transformation. Mission Support Offices will be built in Tullamore town centre beside the Post Office. In response to this, Tullamore Urban District Council told De Midlander that they would be giving each astronaut a bottle of Tullamore Dew before every flight 'to settle their nerves'. They also said that now Tullamore is a midland gateway it is the ideal location for other national space agency headquarters. They also believe that the new Tullamore By Pass will be ideal for bringing the Space Shuttle up and down from Roscrea, the site of the new NASA launch pad.

However, the Tullamore Urban District Council informed NASA late last night that they cannot bring the space shuttle through the town in August this year because of the Fleadh Cheoil na hEireann. The Department of Finance have told De Midlander that their decentralisation efforts may be badly affected by the loss of their brightest staff to NASA. To counteract this they have built ther own space shuttle to show staff that they are just as good an employer as NASA:

Staff at De Midlander would just like to thank NASA and the people of Tullamore by saying 'Come on the boys from NASA and up the Kings county.'

Legendary Rocker Joins Monaghan Country & Western Band

Some positive news now for our favourite Monaghan sons, and in a surprise move that has sent shock waves through the worlds of music, ploughing and Japanese Noh theatre, it was announced yesterday that guitarist with the Rolling Stones, Ronnie Wood, has sensationally quit the band during the middle of their record breaking world tour and has joined Big Tom & the Mainliners, who recently reformed and released their first album for 26 years - “What I Wouldn’t do for a Skullfull of Maggots”.

Mainliners front man, Big Tom, told De Midlander last night, that he was “delighted” and said that Ronnie’s inclusion would allow the band to progress further beyond their country roots towards a branch of proto-dance industrial noise bluegrass, as was evident on several songs from their last album including “Women Shouldn’t Wear Socks” and “Skittery Knickers and a Mouldy Dockleaf.”

Following a short tour of Monaghan and Cavan in April, the band are due to embark on an extensive world tour which will include the Pacific Rim, the Sahel, and North and South Poles before they return to headline the Castleblaney Badger Throwing Festival in March 2010.

Ballyjamesduff dreams of winning 2007 Sumo Ballet Championship

Balljamesduff Sumo Ballet Brothers for the cup.

We're off to Ballyjamesduff now for news of two local men who's dream of performing in the World 2007 Sumo Ballet Championships has finally come true. John James 'The Tutu' McReilly and his friend PJ 'Tippy Toes' McDungarees won the All Ireland Sumo Ballet finals in Thurles at the weekend. The two men, known locally as the 'Torvill and Dean of Ballyjamesduff' have been given two weeks off from their job as artificial inseminationers. They will be heading to Tokyo by ass and cart with tutu and pumps in hand next Thursday. Balyyjamesduff urban district council will be organising a farwell party for the lads out the back of JJ McT's piggery on the Cavan road. Ballyjamesduff town Sheriff told De Midlander last night that he thought the two lads were the best sumo ballet dancers Ballyjamesduff had ever known but that they were not fat enough to compete on an international level. Local man Franko Orangehat (pictured below) has donated some of his armpit hair to remind the lads of home during their momenteous ass and cart journey to Tokyo.
De Midlander promises to keep you abreast of results from next weeks World Sumo Ballet Championships! Come on the boys from the Duff!

Hopes Diminish for Country & Western Band Trapped Inside Watermill

Another typically ridiculous band photo shoot turned to tragedy yesterday when ALL seven members of Country favourites Big Tom & The Mainliners found themselves trapped inside a watermill . The recently reformed ex-junkies from Castleblayney, who were due to release their first single in twenty-six years - “Under the Bridge (at Emyvale)“, had decided to pose for band photos inside what was believed to be a defunct watermill on the way home from picking stones outside Newbliss, County Monaghan. However a flash flood saw the mill kick into operation leaving the unfortunate band members trapped inside and oscillating like rashers in a washing machine. Following thirteen inches of overnight rain it is understood that the wildly unstable mill continues to trap the bedevilled septet and it is feared that the release of their new album - “What I Wouldn’t Give for a Skullfull of Dirty Maggots” will have to be postponed indefinitely. More worryingly, recent reports from the scene claim that enigmatic lead singer Big Tom has taken to scream poorly worded diatribes about reptilian overlords running the Revenue Commissioners and asking for soft boiled eggs sandwiches dipped in Omo washing powder. A spokesman from Newbliss Civil Defence confirmed to De Midlander that later today they will form a guard of honour around the mill in an attempt to levitate it to drier ground and save "the poor craters from harm".

Pygmey Tribe Discoverd living in Clones

Pygmey brothers found living on the outskirts of Clones

Two Pygmey brothers were recently discovered living in a hedge outside the town of Clones. They were discovered last Tuesday morning by local anthropologist Coimheen McQuigley who described the two brothers as 'lovely wee chaps'. They had been spotted on previous occasions by a local turnip farmer who's eyesight is so bad that he thought they were 'them auld Jahova Witnesses after his turnips'. Coimheen McQuigley then contacted the local branch of National Geographic in Clones who were straight out to the brothers' hedge 'for te get a snap of the wee lads livin in the hedge out the road'. The two brothers are now staying in the Mrs McQuigleysmigly's bed and breakfast until Clones urban district council find them more suitable accommodation. A spokesman for the council told De Midlander that 'them wee lads is goin to find it fierce hard to blend in among the locals who have never seen the like of a pair a wee lads wearin a dress with a turnip comin out from their nether regions'.

Hairy Man wins Longford's Best looking man competition

This years 'Longford Hunk' competition has been won by a Hairy Man from the 1930's. The competition, sponsored by De Midlander, was held in the Mart in Longford. Some of Longfords finest looking men attended, and as you can see from their pictures below the Longford Ladies were in for a real treat......

Granard China Shop hires a Cow in a Top Hat

A Fine Bone China shop in Granard has decided to hire Cows due a shortage or 'suit'ably qualified China sales representatives. The Cows will travel around Longford and surrounding coutries selling Fine Bone China to Tourists. The shop owner, Mr Bo Vine, told De Midlander that he felt the cows would increase China sales by at least 400% in the next 8 weeks.

Cavan 'Skyscraper' gets go ahead

People from Cavan can now 'Live the American Dream' as plans for the first Skyscraper in the county got the go ahead from Cavan Town Council last night. The Skyscraper will be built next to the Mart and will command stunning views of the Kenny Pottle and 'out as far as Shercock'. Local town councilor, John James Seamus Brady Reilly said outside the courthouse last night that the Skyscraper was going to be 'only qhuge' and was going to 'cost a bomb to build'. Local estate agent, Seamus John James PJ Brady told press that the apartments would be selling at 6 million euros a square foot and that he thought this kind of structure would blend in very well with the surrounding houses.